Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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