Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
