You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
