I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
