She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
