there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
