Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
