that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
