I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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