does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
