I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
