Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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