We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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