I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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