there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
