I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
