My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
