my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
