I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
