I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
