"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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