just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
