mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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