I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
