My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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