you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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