do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
