Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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