my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
