I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
