I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
