life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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