i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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