I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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