please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
