Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
