I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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