some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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