guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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