My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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