apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
