I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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