you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
