The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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