The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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