I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
