Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
