Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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