I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me