Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can