Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
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There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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