at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
