I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
