You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
